This morning, I was part of the multi-nationality queue in search for something. But I got a different thing, and another thing, altogether. It was a boulder of hot slap on my shoulder by a ‘soldier’, or an armed one. Of course, about a thousand metres from the Westgate Mall in Nairobi, yes! That made me a believer (I didn’t say drinker) in Pilsner Lager’s motto: ‘It’s got what you want!’ Even nine days after the attack?

It happened like this. Wait a minute. Do you know the folklore entitled “who started the fire?”? If you know, then no need telling it here. But if you do not, then I can use it for making you understand who started the slapping session in the first place in that place today.

slapOnce upon a time, a fly enters a cobra’s den and bites her tail bitterly. The ‘cobress’ responds by rushing for cover in a rat’s nest. The rat jumps out and dives into the cat’s hut. Seeing what makes a rat seek an asylum from the cat, she escapes with her kittens and miaows her way to the fox’s house. The fox beats an alarm drum. This sets the elephant chasing about to the goof accident of patching its large hoof on the back of a tortoise. The friction on the reptile results into a fiery shit that sets ablaze the forest. On seeing the burning bush, the weaver birds respond by summoning their rain god to extinguish the wild blazes. That one does not disappoint. So the sympathy of the rain god gets stirred to the extent that he strikes a cumulus cloud into a terrible ‘water bomb’, say, stormy downpour. Ouch, bad news to the ants’ kingdom! “Yii-yii-yii-yii!!!” the ants sound the battle cry and vent their anger on the dog’s tail. The dog jumps and rushes home with fire on his tail…blah, blah, blah! War without end, world without. But the fire was invented, anyway.

slapping_kid_with_a_book-12090So it began with a small, smelly Somali woman hitting her stubborn boy with an open hand down to the dust. What would that female askari wait for? Pap! her palm landed on the butts of the Somali, that mother suspiciously dressed with an ‘overcover’, looking like a body bag of the Westgate victims, stooping over a screaming boy. Then her husband jumped from over there and landed a hot one on the cheek of Madam Askari, “Stupid! Do your husbands hit you on your butts like that?”

On seeing a Somali man slapping his sister-in-law (at least in the law of the Askari company), a Kenyan male guard descended on the Somali’s kinsman and smacked him down…as hard as John Cena does it! “Foolish Al Shabaab! I will shoot your arse down now!” The ‘ass-kari’ threatened.

Of course, the war was declared. All the assumed ‘Al Shabaabs’ jumped onto the benches and stooped over every innocent souls and stood still…in the hall like they did in the mall a week ago. Have you ever watched the ‘Dawn of the Apes’ or any of those monkey-iñvasion movies? In case  you have/not, then let us go on…

As one of them advanced, an Ethiopian put a barrier and the Somali gave him his due, ‘Pap’! As that angry Ethiopian marshalled all his strengths and turned round to repay his hungry neighbour, whom I later learned to have hailed from Jubaland, somewhere near Kenya and Ethiopia in the strife-ridden Horn of Africa, I, myself, jumped. Alas, I got what I wanted! Pap! on my left ear… And the war broke out in the waiting room. Hey, reader, did I remind you it was a UNHCR?

It took all the women around to overwhelm us. God bless them; but god blast the other ones!


Bitch! He slaps her...

Bitch! He slaps her…

I have just told you above about what happened today. However, this sickness started long ago with the first lady of Kenya, Her Ex-cellency, Lucy Kibaki. No, the recent one was this: Pap! ““Kidero, you have slapped me? You have slapped me Kidero? You have slapped me?” Hon. Rachel (Shebesh) is heard crying out. The Governor’s action as captured in the video footage here — that attracted lots of reactions on social media — was a lightning. “But what did she want below my belt?” Governor Kidero defended himself. “She caught my b**ls!” as if saying… And the Story goes on in the focal media, in the social media, in the local media and then in the ‘glocal media’…I mean from the Internet to the ‘Externet’. See this YOUTUBE clip:


A_Retro_Cartoon_Woman_Slapping_a_Man_In_the_Face_Royalty_Free_Clipart_Picture_100603-003021-401053“Pap! Stupid man! Why don’t you open the gate quickly?” Then the Watchdog Security’s watchman cried tears, including red tears, that first hour of the morning, when the city legislator came back from where she had gone for ‘matters of nation building’. In the morning, he went mourning to Kileleshwa Police Station, and the story died there…at Kill-a-leshwa, of course! Only to resurrect again after H.E. Evans Kidero went to the police station and reported why a wife of another man hit him ‘below the belt’.

Shebesh’s action reminds me of a dance-hall song sung by the ‘Warrappers’ of South Sudan president’s state (of Warrap):

Akol…acin guop ayaar, (Akol…has no shame)
Akol acie dieer a leet, (Akol is not bothered by insults)
Akol acie dieer e let e jiang… (Akol does not care about public abuses)
Ting e wanmaath ke ye ting yang thon! (My brother’s wife is the type that can skin a bull)
Ting e wanmaath ke ye ting rir nyin, (My brother’s wife has a ‘tough eye’)
Tik acit nyin yep!” (The woman’s eyes are as daring as an axe…!)

Complete the story on this link:

Fourthly, Rachel Shebesh’s counterpart, friend and election campaign twin, the great Mike Sonko, whom others call Hon. Swagger’, slapped a talkative journalist…at least verbally. Caroline Mutoko of Kiss FM can tell you better why the Nairobi Senator called her a ‘pro—stitute’. But this is what Hon. Sonko (aka Gideon Mbuvi) explained on his Facebook post:

Here is the full post, as seen on the senator’s Facebook page.

Hon. Mike Sonko, Nairobi County Senator in local news

Hon. Mike Sonko, Nairobi County Senator in local news

“In view of Caroline Mutoko’s earlier post the reason as to why I called KISS FM was to complain about the discussion going on about my daughter and not to be interviewed. I have attended other interviews and reacted positively towards them.I have always reiterated that I won’t allow anyone to joke around with my family. Previously on the same show, they discussed how Chipukeezy will impregnate the President’s daughter and today they discussed the same in respect to my daughter. This prompted me to respond not out of anger but out of love for my daughter just as any father would do. I appreciate the fact that he’s made an effort to issue out a public apology but the damage has already been done.”
– See more at:

Fifthly, the Deputy Chief Justice of the Republic of Kenyan seriously slapped a Supermarket’s askari. The Chief Justice II, Mrs. Nancy Baraza turned herself into an ’embarasser’ by delivering a very cheap justice on the nose of a poor girl on guard. You know how the story ended? She was sacked! Thumb up to Kenyan democracy and human rights principles. Even the girl watchman (or watchwoman?), Miss Rebeccah Kerubo, refused over 30,000 dollars in bribery-compensation from Justice Nancy Baraza, just to save and serve the laws of her nation (Bravo Rebeccah)! You see? And in case you can’t, then here it is…

Deputy Chief Justice Nancy Baraza does some cheap justice on the nose of Rebeccah Kerubo, Security Guard at Supermarket. She was sacked for that!

Deputy Chief Justice Nancy Baraza does some cheap justice on the nose of Rebeccah Kerubo, Security Guard at Supermarket. She was sacked for that!

“Suspended Deputy Chief Justice Nancy Makokha Baraza allegedly offered Sh3.5 million to security guard Rebeccah Kerubo in an attempt to persuade her to drop the case. The offer was among several attempts of reconciliation made by Justice Baraza and her friends in a bid to suppress the case which Kerubo had filed following the New Year’s eve incident in which the judge had pinched her nose and threatened her with a gun. Details of these reconciliation attempts emerged when the tribunal investigating Justice Baraza recommended that she be sacked.” – See more at:

Kenya's First Lady Lucy Kibaki speaks toSixthly, it was the former First Lady of Kenya, Lucy Kibaki, who caught this ‘slapping sickness’. She slapped an MC just for carelessly making his tongue slipped into addressing the first lady, ‘Second Lady’ by a name other than Lucy Kibaki. Of course, Kibaki had denied having any other woman in the name of Mary Wambui whose name the Master of Ceremonies made good use of to address Lucy. Just imagine! Even our Ayendit cannot be blamed if she slaps Abdon on such verbal accidents! MCs, take note. Now, Hon. Wambui is a replacement of President Kibaki who had been Othaya’s MP since late 1970s. Just have a look at what happened at the State House’s Jamhuri presidential award-giving ceremony af ew months to the end of the year, not the end of the term because the president will run for election again in December 2007.

As if that is not enough, Her Ex-cellency, the first lady, Lucy Kibaki stormed and slapped a gang of reporters of a top media house of the nation, call it The Nation Media Group, itself. Maybe, The Standard Group…Let’s check it online here… What crime did the ‘Medias’ commit? They reported her attack on the police… SEE THE VIDEO HERE on ‘Operation Slap-dem’:

NB: South Sudanese, this story is expired in Kenya. SO do not be shocked the Juba way for this very ‘Weak Leak’. But beware, it can leak thus if you try it at home!

Kenya cannot be blamed for this series of serious slapping. It is an epidemic. It is by nature political, social, economic and so on. Kenya slapped Somalia, say Al Shabaab two years ago, and they have just told Kenya at the Westgate’s Massacre: “If you do me, I do you” the P-Square’s way. And the Slapping Sickness continues in The Hague. But I am sure, and I assure you, Kenyan politicians are mature enough to sell through this. Just watch live news tomorrow, Tuesday, 1 October, 2013, and see them all praying away the evil darts of Terror (Terroriasis) and those of the ICC (Iccophobia). Can South Sudan manage to sale through and sell to the world all these, namely:
– March Election 2013 crises?
– April Supreme Court’s Election Dispute Case?
– The Rampant Massacres of Villagers by cattle rustlers and terrorists
– The Rampant Road Carnage that claims over 3,000 innocent souls in less than a year
– The Arson at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport that shook the economy to its core
– The Terorist Attack at Garissa and Westgate Mall in Westlands district of Nairobi City (Terroriasis)
– The ICC Case at The Hague (what I now call ‘Iccophobia’, fear of The International Criminal Court)

Kenyan survivor jumping from the window of Westgate Mall during the Nairobi Terror Attack, Sept. 21, 2013.

Kenyan survivor jumping from the window of Westgate Mall during the Nairobi Terror Attack, Sept. 21, 2013.

By the way, every country has its own problem. Just as Kenya is suffering from this psychosocial epidemic that I call ‘Slapping Sickness’, which I attribute to the fear of the International Criminal Court (ICCophobia) and fear of the Terror War (Terroriasis), South Sudan is, maybe, suffering from ‘Securicoriasis’ (Security Crisis) and ‘Sacking Sickness’ (Rampant firing and hiring, hiring and firing, in that cycle) from the top circle to the bottom of the nation. Check your news sources…!